i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
