I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
