his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
