I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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