More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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