i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
