So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
