I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I fill condoms, not promises.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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