I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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