I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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