Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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