broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
