Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
