its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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