Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
