you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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