I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
