I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Boobs are out for the taking
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
