Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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