Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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