So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
