I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
