I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
