just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You ate ashes out of my bong
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
