i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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