so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
