I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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