You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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