Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
