You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
