who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
