my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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