like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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