My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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