Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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