I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
