btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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