Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
