I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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