I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
