I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
