Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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