i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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