So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I did not marry a roomba.
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