I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
