Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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