I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
