I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
