I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
