I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
