Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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