totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
