I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
